When I first saw this months topic I thought about my kids and their colourful wardrobe and how I could photograph them wearing the colours of the rainbow. But I am not doing that. I am going to talk about the term Rainbow child.
What is a rainbow baby/child? When I first heard the term Rainbow baby, I do what I usually do, I went to google and I found the following:
A “rainbow baby” is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth.
In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colourful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.
I have always dreamt of becoming a mum and could not wait to start a family. My husband and I decided to start a family as soon as we married in 2004. It was a huge surprise when we found out we were expecting just weeks after our wedding, under no circumstances had we expected it to happen so fast. My pregnancy was straight forward with no complications and at 40+4 our daughter arrived healthy and simply perfect. Our life had changed forever and we just could not take our eyes of this little wonder that had entered into our lives. The joy of having a baby just overwhelmed us and we loved every second of it.
Come 2007 we decided to try for a little sister or brother for Grace, and another little person for us to shower with love. I fell pregnant immediately again and we were expecting a little one in August 2008 but sadly new year, at only 8-9 weeks pregnant my symptoms disappeared, the cramps started and then a I lost a baby. Even though I hadn’t bonded with this little miracle during the first trimester, you are starting to paint a picture of what lay ahead and what your future will look like with this new individual in your life and the day you suffer a miscarriage you experience the loss of that dream and suddenly your future seem so empty.
Shortly after loosing our baby I started to feel pregnant again, I had not yet had a cycle but a pregnancy test confirmed my gut instinct and I was once again expecting and by my calculations I suspected a due date around November. My midwife claimed I could not be as far along as I thought and when I was on the phone in tears with light spotting I had to really convince the midwife to allow me an early scan. After a few phone calls and a few discussions around my due date I was allowed to come in for a scan. As I was laying on the table the sonographer got all quiet and then explained that I had a placenta measuring around 11 weeks but there was no baby inside. I had what they call a blythed ovum, where the baby pass away in very early pregnancy and is absorbed by the placenta but your body fail to realise and continue with the pregnancy. It was Easter and I was told that if I wanted a D&C I needed to wait until the holiday was over. I opted for a tablet treatment where I had to come into hospital as a day patient to complete the miscarriage. It was a sad day, but at the same time I just wanted the nightmare to be over. I chose to spend the day alone but family came in to say hello. It was easier to sit listen to music and read magazines whilst waiting for my miscarriage to be over. It allowed me time to process my mind and cope with this loss yet again.
With both my miscarriages I took minimum time off work and tried to get back to a normal life as soon as possible, however every now and then when I was on my own I felt that huge sadness, a loss of what could have been. At this point we could not face the pain of loosing another baby and we decided to stop trying and we left it for around 6 months before we decided to try again.
In November I discovered I was pregnant again and early pregnancy in December I started to spot again, the fear, tears and sadness overwhelmed us. However on this occasion the midwife was very supportive and offered us a scan. I was only 6/7 weeks at this point but we could see one tiny jelly bean with a strong heart beat, it was just amazing and what a joy we felt until we had the next spotting scare a few weeks later and again another early scan. When you go for these early scans you heart just skip a few beats, you have an immense fear of what they might tell you. It is hard to relax and be excited when you have the fear of loosing yet another baby hanging over you. As I took a deep breath I saw one amazing little baby with 2 arms, 2 legs 10 toes and fingers… in other words just perfect. The heart was beating and the baby was moving. How amazing what 10 weeks can do to a few little cells. We were on edge majority of the pregnancy and in a way we did not really allow ourselves to enjoy it until I was well past the half way point. The fear of the future we longed for to be taken away from us just put us on edge. At 39 weeks a very petite baby girl entered our life. She was and still is simply perfect and worth the wait, in a way I think she was meant to be and if we did not experience the miscarriage she would never have been part of my life, that in itself would have been a great loss. So we got through the storm, and at the end of the storm we was met by Molly, our perfect rainbow baby.
Apart from being blessed with a second daughter the misscarriage did teach me a huge life lesson, it thought me about appreciation. I always felt blessed to be lucky enough to become a mother, however after experiencing the loss I did learn to appreciate my girls at a completely different level. I no longer took becoming a parent as granted, it is a gift that changed my perspective of motherhood, made me become a better mum which I will be forever grateful for.
So when it rains, when the storm turns your life upside down, hold on tight and wait for it to pass. When the sun starts to break through those stormy clouds, use it to your advantage and grow stronger and wiser as an individual.
Enjoy some images of my Rainbow baby who recently turned 5 and we had this little evening shoot at the beach to mark the occasion. Molly is wearing a dress and shrug from Dollcake Clothing and was shipped all the way from US for some photos at the beach. She absolutely loved the dress and can’t wait to wear it again.
This month I am linking to Karen the girl behind K Lou Photography. This month she has written about the importance a rainbow teddy has in her daughters life so please head over to her blog to read.
